Dream Squashers and Fire Ignited!

I had a very interesting revelation the other day. I was working on a new marketing project for the ministry and had to submit database information from the contacts I’ve had since being in ministry full time. It was a time consuming project – but something I needed to do. For a couple of days, I went through contact after contact, putting it in a format to be used for our database. This is actually the first time I have done any “official” type of marketing in seven years. Most of my conferences come from word of mouth and referrals. As I was going through past information, I ran across emails with announcements for events I sponsored, testimonials, etc. It was wonderful re-experiencing the ministry start up and appreciating how things have grown. As I reflected on the early days, I remembered waking up in the middle of the night to write down ideas. I remember the passion and excitement involved. As I thought about this time, I realized that while the past eight years have been very fulfilling, there was something missing. It was my drive to accomplish what God wanted me to accomplish. This passion to teach women through conferences has been a long time dream. I remember sitting in meetings while in my full-time job wondering when I would be able to teach like I felt God was calling me to teach. It’s as if my heart would ache to be able to realize my dream. However, I also knew that I was in the process of being prepared for the next step. That preparation time was critical – but really painful. I have always hated waiting. I would often think, “When, Father…when do I get to do what you’ve called me to do???” I was still in my “holding pattern” when God spoke to me about being ready. I was taking some time off from work to heal from a surgical procedure I needed. Weeks before the surgery, the Lord said, “I’m going to open doors for you, Stephanie.” I became interested in this word, but I cannot say that I believed this word. I guess my zeal began to dissipate and I started to believe that this dream would never become a reality. To be honest, I didn’t take this word seriously at all. While recovering at home, I received a phone call from a Pastor friend of mine. He asked me if I was available to teach a women’s conference at his church. I was excited and of course said, “Yes!” When I hung up the phone, I thought, “Wow! That was weird! What a coincidence!” No sooner did that thought leave my mind when the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and said, “Stephanie, didn’t I tell you I was going to open doors for you?” I was quiet as I reflected on the word God had spoken to me weeks prior. The Holy Spirit then said, “You need to stop pretending to be something other than what I’ve called you to be. Walk in a manner worthy of your calling.” That word stung. I knew that the Lord was speaking about my nonchalant attitude regarding the calling He placed on my life. I made up my mind that from this point forward to be obedient and to “walk in a manner worthy of my calling”. I had no idea how God was going to put the ministry together, but I had an idea of what it would look like once in motion. It was the same vision I had for several years. What I didn’t know is that God would call me to begin this ministry as a single woman. Three weeks after this encounter, my husband of almost 19 years died very suddenly from an aggressive form of leukemia. My world was rocked to say the least. In my realization of a new world I was living, I believed that my dream died also. I could not even imagine how God would use anything from this time of grief for good. And, to be honest, I didn’t want the dream anymore. I really thought that my calling died and I wasn’t interested in resurrecting it. About a year into God’s healing of grief, He began to speak to my heart again about “walking in a manner worthy of my calling”. I remember saying to the Lord, “Haven’t I done enough hard things already? I mean, seriously?” God continued to speak telling me to trust Him, rely on faith and fulfill His calling in my life. Saying that I was resistant hardly expresses how I felt. After many months, I finally said, “Okay – I will trust you!” The Lord directed me to resign my full time job and begin the ministry. Let me point out at this time I had no conferences scheduled. I had nothing. But, through the months of God speaking to my heart, He ignited the fire of passion in my heart. I have to say, it was the hardest thing I felt God requiring me to do. I resigned from my job and spent time in prayer for the doors God promised to open. The first thing I did was establish a prayer team. God placed several friends on my heart to be part of this team. Within two days, I had a conference booking, a radio interview and a television programming opportunity. I was shocked! God was not. I realized that I could trust the Lord to open doors and provide for me. I had a vision of reaching un-churched women. God gave me a vision of hosting events and inviting women, teaching on a topic relevant to women that was fun and sharing the gospel so they, too, could become daughters of God. Again, doors of opportunity began to open. I was still very fragile in my trust and didn’t know who, if anyone would show up at these events. I would wake up during the night to plan, study, dream and send invitations to women God was placing on my heart. These events were unbelievably successful. Women who attended would bring friends and family who did not have a personal relationship with Christ. At the end of every event, many women gave their hearts to Christ. It was an exciting time. Through this, God continued to heal my heart and show me that there is life after grief. I was doing what I dreamed although it looked quite differently than I planned. It was amazing! The events continued to grow and more women experienced Christ for the first time. From these events, I had the opportunity to disciple new Christians at a separate event. As the ministry grew, the word spread and the doors God opened was incredible. I was in shock – but having the time of my life. While I had many people in my life who were so supportive, I was surprised and shocked to learn that there were some who were anything but supportive. Anyone who has ever put themselves “out there” to do something different knows that zeal can be accompanied by people who want to squash your dreams, sadly. The “dream squashers” in my life were people that surprised me the most. I had one “squasher” actually tell me, “I am waiting for you to fail.” I had others who were actually jealous of the success the ministry was realizing. Some "squashers" stopped speaking to me or would talk behind my back in order to discredit the ministry. I was devastated. Those crushing words and actions really knocked the wind from my sails for a very long time. I haven’t thought about these series of events until I was doing this simple database work this week. This realization impacted me on a very deep level. While the ministry has continued to grow and thrive for eight years since these crushing actions, I realized that the fire ignited many years ago has never quite been the same. I’m speaking more about a deep undercurrent where the fear of failure has kept me from being zealous to accomplish many things. I sat quietly and reflected on this and thought, “Where is that fire? Where is that passion? I remember it and I want it back!” It saddened me on many levels, but more challenged me. As I write this blog, it is 4:11am. I have returned to waking up in the middle of night to pray, hear from God and dream again. I’ve realized that the passion God gave me has not moved. I have had to allow God to uproot the words of destruction and choose to focus on God’s calling rather than live out other people’s words of weakness. Eight years later, I can say that I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who also dream big, step out in faith for the impossible. I have an amazing husband who has always believed in me. I serve with godly women who are a great support and are boldly fulfilling their own destinies. I’m so thankful for the reminder this week that the Word of the Lord is more powerful than the words of the “squashers.” What about your passion? What has God called you to do? Are you in process of being prepared for His plan? Who is surrounding you? Are they people of faith and wisdom? Have the actions of others kept you from realizing all God has planned? God has an amazing destiny for you! Let me encourage you to fan the flame inside your heart and run after God’s best for you. Leave the past in the past and “ press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called you in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14 NIV). Let me hear how God is speaking to you! Praying for you – Steph